2010 did not start so well for me. I have been having an extremely hard time with a great deal of things over the past few months. I am not going to detail them for you. Let's just say the inner struggle I have been fighting to stay positive and focused has exhausted me both mentally and physically. I'm done.
Please don't feel bad for me and for heavens sake please don't call me asking if I'm okay. I'm fine.
However, as Steve and I were working to remodel the garage Sunday he asked me a question that made me think. I was telling him about my view of some things and just generally talking while we worked. All the sudden he said in a shocked kind of voice "Wow babe, where did all this hate come from?"
Hate ... I'm not a hateful person. Apparently my ability to control my strong emotions is not as honed as it once was. My restraint against negativity and my strong positive will are slowly crumbling under the weight of frustration and anger. I was being very short tempered and sharp tongued. I wasn't really being mean, but I wasn't being nice either.
We continued to work and talk.
As I mentioned it was a Sunday. Which is not one of my favorite days of the week and that didn't help matters much. I had sent Jake to church with Nana, and had chosen to stay home and work. Although Steve and I did make an appearance to see Jacob not give his talk in primary (Sunday school).
I'm not really sure at what exact moment I lost it, but it was obvious that my body was there but my sanity had left the building.
Steve and I had to make a stop at Lowes for something, garage stuff I think, and I was barely hanging on. Now I don't mean that I was weeping uncontrollably in the aisles of the mega home improvement store. I mean my focus was gone. I couldn't think straight. I was irritable and snippy for no reason. I almost ripped the head off of an extremely uneducated Lowes employee. Steve and I almost got into an argument over lawn treatment styles ... really, come on. I managed to maintain what little sanity I had left and we came to a compromise. Which meant that I was now going to be picking thousands of weeds with my bare hands, but at least we weren't going to end up with three eyed grand-babies because we used chemicals on the lawn where Jake plays.
So we left the store and in the parking lot we decided we needed to eat. Steve and I have learned over the years to make our decisions about where we are going before the vehicle moves. Otherwise we end up at home with nothing. Steve has a homing beacon that has a default setting for home. If he doesn't have a destination when the vehicle starts moving then his body automatically drives home. It is actually quite funny.
Anyway, as we sat in the parking lot Steve was silently thinking. I assumed it was just about where to eat. I would learn later that there was more to it. I of course continued rambling :
"What are you in the mood for? We could just go home and find left overs. Should we go get Jake and take him with? No, he needs to stay there. Should we get something and take it home for Jake and Nana? I don't want to hear about it if we don't bring something home. No ... they will be fine. Do you want to dine in or carry out? The house is a wreck I don't even have any clean dishes for us to eat on. Oh crap, I don't care, you decide."
Steve did not say a word through all of that. I never shut up long enough. After I was finished he finally spoke. "How about Subway?"
That actually sounded good. I felt good about that, there were no issues. I responded "Yeah, Subway that sounds great." And off we went.
We walked into the sub shop and I immediately felt calmer. I knew that no matter what I ordered off the menu I would like it. There was nothing to think about. Now at the time I still wasn't in full control of my emotions but things were getting better. We ordered our food and sat in the shop to eat.
As we ate we talked. Part way into the conversation Steve asked me "Do you feel better?"
"A little, why do you ask?" I replied.
This is when he explained to me what he had been thinking about in the truck just a little bit earlier. As we had been sitting there in the truck and I was rambling, he was remembering back to a time when I had acted like this before. It had been almost 6.5 years earlier when I was pregnant with Jacob. When I would get irrationally crazy and lose the ability to make decisions without feeling like I was losing my mind. Steve had actually taken the time to think about what he needed to do to correct the situation. How could he help me stop this crazy state that I couldn't seem to get myself out of and that seemed to be getting worse as the day went on. He said that as he thought it dawned on him, Subway. It had always worked before, maybe it would work now. Subway was always the answer. No matter what, Subway made me happy. For more then 3 months of my pregnancy Subway was the only thing I could eat that didn't make me nauseous. I fell in love with Subway. Well it worked. He said that almost immediately my demeanor changed and I began to show signs of calming.
Subway had once again cured the crazies.
Yes, I give credit to Subway for making one of my favorite foods and allowing me to have peace of mind when I walk in the store knowing I will be satisfied with anything I order. I know I don't have to think about anything, there are no bad decisions ... it is very freeing. Thank you Subway.
Most importantly though I need to give credit to my now almost perfect husband. I'm not sure that it is possible to love someone more then I love this man. Instead of feeding into the craziness with his own frustration in reaction to mine he remained calm. He thought before he spoke and he restrained his instincts to react in retaliation to my snippy sharp edged comments. He thought of me and how he could help. He was willing to do whatever it took to make me happy. Thank goodness it was as simple as a sandwich.